Sometimes you have to look in the mirror…. sometimes the thing staring back at you is terrifying. I have become a monster a destroyer and consumer of hearts.
She is right… i am an asshole
i guess the story begins where i left off over a year ago. After Jol’ene split up with in the fall of 2012 i crushed on and fell in love with a girl named Kailey. She does not want to be on the blog and so i stopped posting. if i can’t be real i can’t write. Come the fall of 2013 i started to realize that i have to stop liking Kailey. i also notice that i have a lot of great girls in my life.
As i was trying to pull my heart out of the intense love and probably infatuation that i had for Kailey… Kailey kept hurting me. at one point i was wounded very deeply.
i started to question what is love? do i really love Kailey? who do i love? what about all these other girls that i connect with? these girls take care of my heart. they know me and can handle me.
not having a clear sense of feeling for one specific girl i decided to pursue them all. i excused my behavior with the language of polyamory. looking back i do not know if i loved any of them. perhaps at first i did love them in some way… but not the way i was supposed to.
they all knew about the other girls… they were choosing it as much as i was in the beginning… but very quickly it became apparent that each one wanted monogamy. i broke their hears one at a time but hastily promised monogamy to Jol’ene. yes the same Jol’ene as before. we had moved into community together and were now roommates and it seamed that if it should work with one of them it would be her. we had such an awesome relationship the first time. she is an amazing person. i wanted to love her, i wanted to fall in love with her….. looking back now i dont know if i ever did….
i pursued intimate friendships with other woman. at first only emotionally intamate… but then i cheated on jol’ene with a very dear friend of mine that was in a relationship herself. i was not honoring to Jolene my dear friend, or my dear friends partner. i broke up with Jolene. months past and i lost my dear friend. our relationship destroyed…
for some reason Jol’ene still loved me…. she loved me back into a relationship… i can remember still grappling witht the ideas of poly vs monogamy… i thought i loved Jolene… i just also had the capacity to love others…. i thought i could choose who i would love…. how i would love… i thought that Jolene was ok with me loving others just not getting physical with them…
however as i look back i can see that my heart was still wandering… i was still out persueing everyone… i hurt jolene deeply as i connecting with one of her new friends… i went behind her back to take the new friend out for drinks… my heart was reaching out in unsafe, unhealthy ways. nothing ever happened… but it was not because i was good but because she was… i lost that friendship… but continued to drag Jolene through hell
i ended up reaching out to Kailey again and handing her the emotion keys to my heart again…. though she did not use them…
i found myself at a wedding and though intoxicated and egged on by a friend hitting on the brides youngest sister that to be honest i didnt even like in that way.. and she had a boyfriend.
my heart was always searching looking elsewhere… and to be honest i dangled myself out there for any and all willing partakers… i temped single, dating, and married alike. i took all the skills and tools i had for relating to and loveing and validating people and i used them for evil…
how did Jol’ene put it again…
she was right… maybe is right… i am a monster, and unsafe asshole.
i broke up with Jol’ene on July 7 2014. it sucked. it was terrible… but i had to own the fact that i was unsafe. i didnt love her. i was detached in a very unhealthy way
i left edmonton on july 13 for a week in mexico for a friends wedding. i was terrified a bit… i felt so unsafe.. and yet my heart was still longing to flirt, to hook up, to consume