Monster, a tale of destruction

Sometimes you have to look in the mirror…. sometimes the thing staring back at you is terrifying.  I have become a monster a destroyer and consumer of hearts.

Monster 2

She is right… i am an asshole

i guess the story begins where i left off over a year ago.  After Jol’ene split up with in the fall of 2012 i crushed on and fell in love with a girl named Kailey.  She does not want to be on the blog and so i stopped posting.  if i can’t be real i can’t write.  Come the fall of 2013 i started to realize that i have to stop liking Kailey.  i also notice that i have a lot of great girls in my life.

As i was trying to pull my heart out of the intense love and probably infatuation that i had for Kailey… Kailey kept hurting me.  at one point i was wounded very deeply.


i started to question what is love?  do i really love Kailey?  who do i love?  what about all these other girls that i connect with?  these girls take care of my heart.  they know me and can handle me.


not having a clear sense of feeling for one specific girl i decided to pursue them all.  i excused my behavior with the language of polyamory.  looking back i do not know if i loved any of them.  perhaps at first i did love them in some way… but not the way i was supposed to.


they all knew about the other girls… they were choosing it as much as i was in the beginning… but very quickly it became apparent that each one wanted monogamy.  i broke their hears one at a time but hastily promised monogamy to Jol’ene.  yes the same Jol’ene as before.  we had moved into community together and were now roommates and it seamed that if it should work with one of them it would be her.  we had such an awesome relationship the first time.  she is an amazing person.  i wanted to love her, i wanted to fall in love with her….. looking back now i dont know if i ever did….


i pursued intimate friendships with other woman.  at first only emotionally intamate… but then i cheated on jol’ene with a very dear friend of mine that was in a relationship herself.  i was not honoring to Jolene my dear friend, or my dear friends partner.  i broke up with Jolene.  months past and i lost my dear friend.  our relationship destroyed…


for some reason Jol’ene still loved me…. she loved me back into a relationship… i can remember still grappling witht the ideas of poly vs monogamy… i thought i loved Jolene… i just also had the capacity to love others…. i thought i could choose who i would love…. how i would love… i thought that Jolene was ok with me loving others just not getting physical with them…


however as i look back i can see that my heart was still wandering… i was still out persueing everyone… i hurt jolene deeply as i connecting with one of her new friends… i went behind her back to take the new friend out for drinks… my heart was reaching out in unsafe, unhealthy ways.   nothing ever happened… but it was not because i was good but because she was…  i lost that friendship… but continued to drag Jolene through hell


i ended up reaching out to Kailey again and handing her the emotion keys to my heart again…. though she did not use them…


i found myself at a wedding and though intoxicated and egged on by a friend hitting on the brides youngest sister that to be honest i didnt even like in that way.. and she had a boyfriend.


my heart was always searching looking elsewhere… and to be honest i dangled myself out there for any and all willing partakers… i temped single, dating, and married alike.  i took all the skills and tools i had for relating to and loveing and validating people and i used them for evil…


how did Jol’ene put it again…

Monster 2

she was right… maybe is right… i am a monster, and unsafe asshole.

i broke up with Jol’ene on July 7 2014.  it sucked.  it was terrible… but i had to own the fact that i was unsafe.  i didnt love her.  i was detached in a very unhealthy way

i left edmonton on july 13 for a week in mexico for a friends wedding.  i was terrified a bit… i felt so unsafe.. and yet my heart was still longing to flirt, to hook up, to consume

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Rainy Day Smiles

“Faithfully” by Journey

Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You’re on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love
Along the wire

They say that the road
Ain’t no place to start a family
Right down the line
It’s been you and me
And lovin’ a music man
Ain’t always what it’s supposed to be
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I’m forever yours

Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

And being apart
Ain’t easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I’m forever yours

Whooa, oh-oh-ooh
Whooa, oh-oh-ooh, oh
Whooa, oh-oh-oh, oh-whoooooa-oh
I’m still yours

I’m forever yours
Ever yours
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Burning Bridges, Dark Spots, and Our Love Nature

Burning Bridges, Dark Spots, and Our Love Nature.

The Smoking Bridges

Our western culture is not set up for success, at least not when it comes to relationships.

Our marriages fail.

Our kids become estranged from their parents, and vice versa.

Our friends stab us in the back.

Our employers fire us when we’re no longer as useful as the new young hipster from college.

Our bridges burn, and the flames cast light on our solitary selves, living alone in homes, jobs, and schools full of desperately hurt people.

The Dark Spots

We learn from an early age that you can’t trust others with your dark spots.

You can’t trust others with your feelings.

You can’t trust others with your mistakes.

You can’t trust others with your dark thoughts.

You can’t trust others with your fear.

You must never, ever be vulnerable.

Why We Love

So why bother?  Why even try to build relationships?

Here’s why:

You were designed to be loved greatly and to love greatly.

It is your nature.  It is your instinct.  It is a law that dwells in your inner self, stubborn and unyielding.

It is there, inside you.  It is not dead, but in quiet slumber.

As it sleeps, your love-nature is experiencing a nightmare – a frightening dream of being rejected, of being humiliated, of being inadequate.

The truth is: you are loved.  You are good.  You are enough.

But like Narnia, we must enter the nightmare, bring our safest friends, and learn our lessons.  We have much to learn, and much to conquer, and everything we must conquer is WITHIN our selves, not without.

You are not broken; You are whole.  You have what it takes.

So Now What?

Now go!  Your inner self is waiting, the nightmare ready, for you to shatter the illusion and burst that bubble of self-doubt.  But you can only do this when you invite safe people into the darkness with you – into your mistakes, into your fears, into your pain, and into your passion.

Go.  Find a friend who is a good listener, and who has never EVER made you feel:





Ask this friend to come over for tea/coffee/beer/maple-syrup, and prepare yourself to tell him or her a story.  This story is your story, and it’s about you, and it’s about your darkness.

Tell your story.  Let your friend come into that story, and then wait to see what happens:

You will come out from this encounter with an almost shocking sense of confidence

that you matter,

and that your story matters and is worth listening to.

Go.  Call that friend.  Make a plan.  Tell the tale.  It’s important that you do!

Because it’s in your very nature to tell story.  That dark world I described above, with the failed marriages and back-stabbing friends – that is not our nature, it is our unnature.  Our stories create the empathy that’s required to nurture our marriages and relationships.  Without empathy – without sharing our stories – we are in danger of remaining hurt people who are scared to death of intimacy.  My friends, I believe with all my heart that we can rebuild bridges with our stories and one day enter a new era in which everyone in our communities are validated, accepted, and cherished as sons and daughters of love.

(All of the above is written by my dear friend Joshua.   We have shared many beers, teas and Maple syrup,  it has made all the difference. Please check out his blog

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Burning Bridges, Dark Spots, and Our Love Nature

Burning Bridges, Dark Spots, and Our Love Nature.

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You are Good. I Love You.

I apologise for not writing in a while. I have been hiding something, and it is hard for me to write when I cannot be authentic with you all.  I’m not good at having secrets.  Perhaps one day I will be allowed to share.

For now there is today

Tonight as I lay with Noah in Josh and Alyssas bed.  I told him that he was a good boy, a very good boy.  That I loved him.  That his mommy and daddy loved him very much.  He slowly and sleepily repeated every word I said.  I remembered my own Childhood.   I could hear my mother’s voice saying to me, “you are a good boy, I love you… it’s just your behavior that was bad.”   Yep I was a trouble maker.  Not your average stubborn trouble maker.  I was sly cunning and crafty, so most of my schemes my parents only found out about after it was too late…

Thus, I would be sat down for a full inquiry, after pouring two gallons of used motor oil down in the ditches and trying to set them on fire.  My parents would be very stern.  They would look me in the eye and say, “we want you to tell the truth, if you tell the truth you will be punished, but if you lie we will find out and then you will be punished even worse!”  Then Question period would begin.

What were you doing?

I was going to have flaming moats around my fortress.  No one would be able to get through the flames.     

Where did you get the oil?

I found the jugs next to the neighbours shed.  

This next part I admit I do not remember, I believe I got lectured about the environmental impact of the oil going into the ecosystem and the dangers of setting large quantities of oil on fire.  I was never allowed to play with fire even though I did all the time.  My parents eventually gave into my pyromania with the limitations of it being confined in the fire pit. But back to the story.  I am sure at this point they disciplined me too.  I cannot tell you what punishment I received but I do remember cleaning up the ditches and these words, “you are a good boy, I love you… it’s just your behavior that was bad.”

My parents always made that distinction very clear.   My behavior could be good or bad.  And it had consequences.  If I was good and treated others with love and respect and showed that I could take care of myself our community’s belongings I would be granted more privileges and more responsibilities.  If I was bad and acted in ways that were hurtful or destructive or negligent then I would lose privileges and face consequences.   They also made it very clear that if I lied I would be breaking their trust.  I would have to earn it back and that would take time.

However I always knew that I was good.  That I was loved. That no matter what I did… stealing motorcycles, joyriding in neighbors cars, sneaking out in the middle of the night… no matter what my parents would always love me and I am good.  I am their son.

I love you mom and dad.  Thank you for all you do and all you have done.

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A letter from Pope Francis


24. The Church which “goes forth” is a community of missionary disciples who take the first step, who are involved and supportive, who bear fruit and rejoice. An evangelizing community knows that the Lord has taken the initiative, he has loved us first (cf. 1 Jn 4:19), and therefore we can move forward, boldly take the initiative, go out to others, seek those who have fallen away, stand at the crossroads and welcome the outcast. Such a community has an endless desire to show mercy, the fruit of its own experience of the power of the Father’s infinite mercy. Let us try a little harder to take the first step and to become involved. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. The Lord gets involved and he involves his own, as he kneels to wash their feet. He tells his disciples: “You will be blessed if you do this” (Jn 13:17). An evangelizing community gets involved by word and deed in people’s daily lives; it bridges distances, it is willing to abase itself if necessary, and it embraces human life, touching the suffering flesh of Christ in others. Evangelizers thus take on the “smell of the sheep” and the sheep are willing to hear their voice. An evangelizing community is also supportive, standing by people at every step of the way, no matter how difficult or lengthy this may prove to be. It is familiar with patient expectation and apostolic endurance. Evangelization consists mostly of patience and disregard for constraints of time. Faithful to the Lord’s gift, it also bears fruit. An evangelizing community is always concerned with fruit, because the Lord wants her to be fruitful. It cares for the grain and does not grow impatient at the weeds. The sower, when he sees weeds sprouting among the grain does not grumble or overreact. He or she finds a way to let the word take flesh in a particular situation and bear fruits of new life, however imperfect or incomplete these may appear. The disciple is ready to put his or her whole life on the line, even to accepting martyrdom, in bearing witness to Jesus Christ, yet the goal is not to make enemies but to see God’s word accepted and its capacity for liberation and renewal revealed. Finally an evangelizing community is filled with joy; it knows how to rejoice always. It celebrates at every small victory, every step forward in the work of evangelization. Evangelization with joy becomes beauty in the liturgy, as part of our daily concern to spread goodness. The Church evangelizes and is herself evangelized through the beauty of the liturgy, which is both a celebration of the task of evangelization and the source of her renewed self-giving.

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I am His

Another amazing Christ follower who is deciding to be bold and share her story with Jesus on the web

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